how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
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“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I want this so bad
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.