What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
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Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
BaD BoY!!
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*