I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
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The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.