*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
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Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Can’t stop laughing
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever