tis the season
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My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
それは草
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation