“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
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Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.