The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Feels like the fourth month in January
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠