Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
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I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
welp
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!