Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
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A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.