[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
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Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
much to think about