I got bills
They’re multiplying
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Tammy is short for Tamuel
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas