*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
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“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
the short answer to this question
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already