I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
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And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.