I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
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i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.