Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
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Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
😍😂🥰😂😍
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.