To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
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me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story