[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
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God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her