I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
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Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!