Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
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A customer told me they were never coming back….
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I cannot stop laughing at this
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Nice try, NASA
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.