I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
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God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.