Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
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Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.