[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
You Might Also Like
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I have obtained a hat
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.