“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
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If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?