I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
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Well, this explains it:
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?