The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
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sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.