what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
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[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Twitter is an abusement park.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]