Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
This is my bus stop.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
That was easy.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.