[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
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I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar