Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
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One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.