Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
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The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.