Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
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Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope