For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
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Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Shower sex be like:
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa