[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
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Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Traveler’s camo
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB