When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
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[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Love this guy
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.