I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
You Might Also Like
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Always 🥴
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Autocorrect is my menesis
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing