What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
You Might Also Like
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
San Francisco has too many rules
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
The asteroid..
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?