There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
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channeling her this year
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Holy shit he’s back
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.