Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
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Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point