9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
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If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation