I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
You Might Also Like
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Just had my nails done!
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move