Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
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I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”