me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
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[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I love you…
…r dog.
Just me?
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Bless you
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now