A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
You Might Also Like
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Breaking news:
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe