[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
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What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope