I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
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When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
ACED my prostate exam!
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”