Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
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Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
San Francisco has too many rules
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”