centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
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I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀