11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
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I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”