SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
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Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”