An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
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I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Cndnsd Mlk
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.